A Former Superhero

A superhero doesn't choose his destiny but is chosen by destiny. Gold stars and participation awards aside, growing up, I always sensed that I was special. During high school I found myself able to consistently outrun three quarters of those in my grade and endowed with not only a keen sense of self consciousness, but an uncanny ability to conceal my greatness.

Headlining a comic book doesn't make a superhero. In fact Captain Marvel can testify that even powers rivalling the very Man of Steel don't guarantee fame. Being super doesn't come from name recognition. In the real world, James Bond wouldn't be a famous secret agent, he'd be a dead secret agent. The measure of a secret agent is his anonymity and a superhero's reward is not in accolades, it's in knowing that the world is a safer place. Being famous makes you a target and being a target makes your job harder and no superhero wants to make saving the world harder.

I was like Batman without the gadgets or money and my only transportation was parents who worked late.

Like a male ballerina, the fewer people who know, the better. Secrecy is a superhero's ally and his cloak of protection, so it's a burden I bore alone. To this day my family thinks I was simply tardy growing up, oblivious that I was often detained waging battles to decide the very fate of humanity.

It was a chaffing experience. Evil never sleeps and certainly doesn't need to be in bed by 9 o'clock on school nights, but my ability to save the world was hampered by a short leash and early curfews. I was peppered with questions every time I requested a ride and being dropped off in dark alleys was definitely out of the question.

As a superhero you have to believe that you can do anything and there are only three things which make anything seem possible: Tony Robbins, Dr. Pepper and the Chariots of Fire theme song. They're lethal in the hands of great men and lethal to the lives of lesser men.

I've always admired a man who can sport a comb-over in windy conditions. That kind of courage can't be manufactured and if harnessed can turn the tides of human history.

Anything is going to look good on someone who can origami corrugated iron, which is the reason superheroes have been granted free license to wear spandex. But in my experience its major drawback was the tendency to suffocate my skin and cause chaffing. A superhero has enough working against him without adding his outfit to the list. On top of this, spandex would have just raised questions which I'd rather have avoided when mom did the laundry. So for the sake of preserving a low profile, I simply wore a t-shirt bearing my logo so that evil could put a name to the face of justice.

A superhero's name is not simply a label, it's a weapon which strikes fear into the hearts of his enemies. But like a nickname, it's only as credible as the person who gives it and anyone who gives himself a nickname, to echo the sentiments of Willie Geist*, trying to be cool is the surest way to not be cool. In the end, all you can do is sow a few seeds by acting panther-like and hope that the public picks up on the cues.

*when will politicians ever learn, going out and trying to relate to the kids is the surest way to not to relate to the kids - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26852192/vp/33968380#33968380 1:15

Anything with brass knuckles and a comb-over.

I have poor vision, am a weak swimmer and had a difficult time controlling my strength. On top of this, dust and wind are any contact lens wearer's greatest nemeses. Superhero or not, they render the greatest of men utterly impotent.

It's one thing for a man to be feared by his enemies, but entirely another to be feared by his friends. When fear silences not only a man's adversaries, but also his allies, its inevitable end is the emperor's new clothes and Robert Mugabe's mustache.

It's not great deeds which define a hero, but great courage. Great deeds can befall any coward, but it's courage that drives a hero to pursue them. People talk about accidental heroes, but running over a cat can happen to anyone.

Be an everyday hero first. Prove yourself faithful in the small things: make your bed, mow the lawn, keep your underwear dry. A superhero who's not first a hero is just a prefix. And if you can't be trusted to keep the bed dry, you won't be trusted to keep the world safe.

The long hours and constant travel were taking a heavy toll on my family and I didn't want my children to grow up knowing that their father was a hero, I wanted them to grow up knowing their father.